Behaviors keep happening because they work

There’s a pattern I see all the time, and once you see it you can’t unsee it.

A child wants something. Maybe it’s a bottle, maybe it’s a toy, maybe it’s the iPad. The grown-up says no, you already had one, here’s something else. And the child pushes. Cries, screams, pulls you by the hand, pushes you toward the kitchen. And a minute later, they walk out with the thing they wanted.

So they basically got what they wanted. And you just 100% see why these behaviors happen. It’s because they 100% work. It’s easy to feel bad and give in when they are so upset. Sometimes a teacher may say, “It’s okay, it’s okay, she can have it.” And I’m like, well, she can. But she’s practicing being okay with what’s available, and being able to tolerate not having everything she wants. And if it takes half an hour to get over it, then clearly this is something she needs to practice.

There’s another version of this, and it’s attention. Something goes wrong, the tower falls down, a piece gets stuck, and instead of saying “help” or “it’s stuck,” a child may run and throw the door open and kick and scream on the floor. Basically trying to communicate, I’m so angry.

And then everybody comes running, because it’s hard to watch and you want it to stop. “Stop! That’s enough, that’s enough.” And the child is looking right at them, screaming even more. The bigger the show, the bigger the audience. Even if all anybody is saying is stop, it just escalates it even more.

What I’ve seen work is almost boring. The parent stays calm and says it one time. “You have to be calm first if you want to come to me.” And then they just wait. It can take a while. But little by little the child starts coming down. And then when they’re calm, you take a few deep breaths together, and you have them say what they should have said in the first place. “It’s stuck.” “I need help.” And then you help. Because it’s okay to go to your mom or dad for comfort. You just go and tell them what’s wrong, so you can get help.

So that’s what I want parents to take from this. When a behavior keeps happening, ask, what is it getting them? Usually it’s getting them something. The item they wanted. Your attention. Escape from the thing they didn’t want to do. Whatever it is, it worked last time.

I know it is easy to give in when you’ve been on your feet all day, and you just want the behavior to stop right now. No wonder people do it. I’ve seen great parents do it. I know I’ve done it myself.

But what helps is the same thing every time. Don’t let the behavior be what works. Instead, teach them a better way to get it, like using their words. And then when they do that, make sure that works.

The first few times, the crying might get bigger before it gets smaller. That’s normal, in my experience. They want to see if the rule is real.

Behaviors that work keep happening. That’s about it.